One of the groups I run at my job is a social skills group for young children. All of the kids in my group have a mental health diagnosis, mostly ADHD, an anxiety disorder or something on the Autistic spectrum. If you have ever met a child with one of these diagnoses you may be able to understand the difficulties they have making friends and interacting with others in a socially appropriate way. The group can be a little chaotic, but they are very entertaining and definitely the best group I have ever had.
In my group we talk a lot about initiating play with other children. One of the skills we work on is giving compliments. We practice giving compliments to others and then expressing how it feels to give a compliment and how it feels to receive one. Most of the kids get slightly embarrassed, showing shy smiles and a flush of pride. Many of them simply say thank you.
When I started the group, my supervisor suggested one of the grad students work with me to complete her requirements for gaining group experience. I found the task slightly daunting and wanted to refuse, but the student was a friend of a good friend of mine and she seemed generally interested in learning about working with young children, so I accepted the challenge. As her internship is coming to end, she wrote me an amazing letter thanking me for working with her. She remarked that I had taught her more about groups and young children than anyone else, and said that her time in my group was her favorite time of the week. I was thrilled to have been given such a great compliment, but still haven't responded back to her.
As I was thinking of what to say, I realized that most women do not accept compliments well. Why is that? I believe there are a few different tactics that women use when complimented.
1. Flat out denial. Refusing to believe or accept. "You look good today." "I look horrible today!"
2. Minimizing. "You are really good at this." "No I just did good today " or "So and so is so much better than I am."
3. Feeling the responsibility to return the compliment immediately to re-focus the attention.
4. Using humor or joking. I do this one all the time. For example "You are really smart." "Oh I just say things that make me sound smart"
The more I think about this the more I believe that as women it is deemed somewhat undesirable to simply accept a compliment. It is like the scene in Mean Girls where they say "you are so pretty," and the main character responds "thank you," then they say "oh so you admit you're pretty?" Because of course she should have denied it. I think there is some social standard that as women we should be modest and accepting compliments is seen as prideful or, even worse, conceited. Somewhere from being a young child to becoming a woman we develop this attitude that we should never admit that we are good at anything. This goes completely against the new focus of promoting positive self-esteem in young women, which research has shown to be a telling factor in predicting resiliency. Excuse me while I stand on my soapbox, but I believe we will continue to see an alarming growth in things such as eating disorders, drug abuse, teen suicide, and risky sexual behavior as long as young women are not fostered in developing positive self esteem.
To do my part, I vow that after the next compliment I receive I will smile, say thank you, and revel in the fact that I have strengths that are recognized by others and that is OK.

Labels: Just Me, Rant

It feels like it's been forever since I was in Reno for Thanksgiving. We were in Reno for almost a week. Which is amazing as we hardly ever take week long vacations. We tend to stick to long weekends. You know I realize I always say "we never take vacations..." but in reality we go somewhere, even if it's just down to southern Utah, about every month. To top it off we have had two huge vacations just this year (Hawaii and D-land). So never mind, we vacation often! However, Caleb hasn't been to Reno since last January. For those who don't know, both of our families are from Reno and Caleb's family, with the exception of one brother, still live in Reno. Anyways, we went to Reno for Thanksgiving. I brought my camera and did not take one single picture. I could post for days about everything we did, but here are the highlights:

-Thanksgiving dinner with my parents at 1:00 and at Lacy's (C's sister) house at 4:00. Food was great at both places. My dad did an amazing turkey that only a man addicted to the Food Network could do. At Lacy and Jason's they had a spread better than most weddings I've attended, which included an appetizer table and a chocolate fountain. This is dangerous for young children who like chocolate and fountains and messes all over new clothes.

-Micaela was actually able to play with her cousin Ally, who is 3 months younger than her. In the past Ally and Micaela didn't really interact. Similar to the time a 1-year-old stole Micaela's toy and she ran crying to me, not realizing she was much bigger and could actually walk, which the one-year-old could not. Anyways, they played great together hiding from Uncle Eli by sitting in the dog's food and water in their new clothes.

-Went shopping! Of course I celebrated Black Friday. I saved $150. No I did not get up at the crack of dawn because I prefer to be well rested when blowing our bank account on clothes. I got many fabulous things that will be wrapped as Christmas presents.

-Ate sushi at Sushi Pier with John and Cari. This is the most divine sushi place on the mainland, Yes Hawaii does have better, but it's not a fair comparison. Oh and Caleb and I were such regulars when we lived in Reno that our picture is actually in their picture collage. John and C's friend Brandon also have their picture up, but mine and Caleb's is cuter.

-Watched American Gangster. It was ok, not as good as people said it was. It was nice to have a date night though.

-Watched a horrible football game with a horrible BYU fan, known as my father, who has the BYU fight song as his ring tone. Enough said.

-Went shopping again to ease the pain of the horrible football game. Bought more stuff.

-Ate Super Burrito and In-And-Out while Caleb complained about how Salt Lake has no good food joints. Required a chocolate shake to drown out his whining.

-Played cards almost every night with my parents. I won. I'm genetically programed to be good at cards. Unfortunately Caleb is not.

-Visited Caleb's sister Jessica at their new place to see our cute nieces who were absent from Thanksgiving dinner.

-Went to church. We took Micaela to nursery and introduced her to the leaders. One of them said "Oh Micaela, the Rands' grandbaby," to which Micaela raised her arms and said "ta da!" No joke. As if we were all blessed to be in presence of such greatness.

-Took Micaela to the Bee Movie. Ok Short rant. We went to an 11:30am showing on Monday morning. There were 4 families in the theatre. Three of these families had one or more toddlers. The other was a mother or grandmother with a boy about 8 or 9. One toddler boy was walking around the theatre, not bothering anyone. He came over to Micaela, who sat on the floor next to him. When the bees started flying he got really excited and began saying "Its a bee! A bee! A bee!" Of course Micaela became excited and repeated what he was saying. Then the lady with the older boy yelled at his mother saying "can you please keep your kid quiet so we can hear the movie!" Seriously we were right next to him and we could hear the movie just fine. It was a kids matinee movie with a bunch of toddlers, they may get excited and talk. The poor mother of the toddler boy was so upset she picked him up and left. The best part, later in the movie her son got bored and starting talking and we could all hear him! Of course Caleb wanted to say something, but I told him not to. It's just crazy how weird people can be about kids. They are not going to sit still for long periods of time, they get excited easily, they talk when they're not supposed to, and they obviously don't understand all of the social norms. Whatever.

-The night before we left we visited my friend Afton and met her new boyfriend. She actually cooked for us, which was slightly concerning. However, she made spaghetti and it was delicious. We had a blast as always.

-Drove home and at every little town Caleb asked if I wanted to live there. I responded, each and every time, no and don't ask me again.

Overall it was a great vacation. The only negative thing we experienced, besides the Bee movie witch, was on Thanksgiving. Caleb's sister Jessica had a miscarriage. She was due 4 days before I would have had my baby. This was very upsetting for everyone.
I just realized how long this post is. I will stop boring you all with my endless rant of vacation. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Welcome December, with your huge blizzard outside.

Labels: Friends, Just Me, Rant, The Fam

As mentioned in a previous post, my life at this present time is very boring. However, I still feel the need to provide all three of my readers with new posts. I know I get excited when people update their blogs, so here goes. Besides, I figure if people read blogs for wit, humor, and charm, they are not likely to read mine anyways!
I think I get migraines now. I have heard of migraines. I've heard they are awful and very painful. I've always been a healthy person, hardly ever sick, rarely hurt, you all know the drill. Then last weekend came. I woke up with this insanely bad headache. My head was pounding and there was no way to make it feel better. I took two ibuprofen, because I love ibuprofen and firmly believes that it cures all ailments, much like Windex, and went back to bed. It did absolutely nothing for me. My stomach started to hurt and I became very nauseas. In an attempt to avoid listing all my symptoms in painful detail, I will just say I described this headache to Caleb as "the worst headache of my life." A few hours later I felt fine. Absolutely fine. Like I went to the gym and to the store I was so fine. When I described my symptoms to the experts in my life (my mom and a good friend at work who has a PhD in psychology, making her technically a "doctor") they agreed that I had a migraine. If any of you readers suffer from migraines I would like to know what you do when you experience one, as I am honestly afraid I will shoot myself in the eye the next time I have one. And I say the eye because I cannot imagine anything worse than being shot in the eye, except of course, having another migraine.

Labels: Just Me, Rant

I spent the 24th of July (which is a holiday here in Utah-and better yet a holiday I actually get off!) swimming, eating, and up to Liberty Park to watch the fireworks. It was somewhat of a disaster. We rode tracks and seriously mis-judged the walk from the trax station to the park, which was intensified because I was with three kids (ages 6, 4, and 2) and my grandmother who has bad knees and a hard time walking far. The fireworks were pathetic. They didn't even compare to the Beaver 4th of July fireworks. When Beaver outdoes Salt Lake we have a problem! The worst part part was a 15 minute period where I was in charge of Micaela (2) and Ryan (4). I took them over to the playground. Good thinking right? It did seem like a good idea, until we walked to the playground and there was literally about 100 kids running in every direction. They immediately ran in opposite directions and, in a vain attempt to locate one, I lost sight of the other. The scariest five minutes of my life occurred when I couldn't see either of them, and running through my head is the thought that this was the park where that poor little girl went missing last year. I finally located Micaela, grabbed her, and set of to find Ryan, who was much more difficult to find. After finding him I had the joy of holding the hand of the little boy who didn't want to hold hands and carrying the little girl who didn't want to be carried. My frustration makes perfect sense. There was two of them and one of me. I was outnumbered! In my struggle to care for these two kids I was hit with the realization that some people have even more than two kids! Some have 3 or 4, and some Utah families have as many as 8 or 9! I think I prefer my sanity for now.

Labels: Just Me, Rant

Utah is a place of it's own. Lately I've begun to notice some really "unique" features of Utah that I thought I would share. Here's the first one:
You know you live in Utah when...
Your local news features a special on how to make an Easter craft.
There is so much I could say about this, but I believe it speaks for itself.

Labels: Just Me, Rant

I hate daylight savings time (in the spring of course.) I hate waking up earlier, changing the 20 clocks around the house, and having one less hour on my new day off. My whole day would be ruined if it weren't for my loving friend who delivered my highly anticipated girl scout cookies.

Labels: Rant, Rave

This blog contains harsh judgements. Read at your own risk!

I promised myself I would never be a judgemental mother, which is easier said than done. I constantly work with parents (specifically mothers) who have developed really bad parenting habits, and I feel like I am a walking parenting book sometimes. I mean I teach parenting classes for crying out loud! Not like my child never misbehaves, everyone who has met Micaela knows she is a typical 2-year-old who tantrums and wants "her way." Anyways I am trying not to be judgemental, but I just do not get this. What is this mystery? It's spanking.

I read an array of "mommy blogs" and I have come across one where the mommy talks about how spanking cures all of her 2-year-olds misbehaviors. I clicked on the comments, expecting to see some extremely negative responses, and not one single reader commented negatively. Most of them were offering congrats and discussed how spanking works for them.

I am disgusted on so many levels.
Point #1: Children hit each other. Children hit each other often. Children hit each other because they are not adults, they feel very, very frustrated when they are hurt/angry/sad and they don't know what else to do. So they hit each other and even hit parents too. Where an adult may yell or cry, a child will hit. It is a means to expressing an emotion. As an adult I can express my frustration without hitting. If Micaela makes me angry, which she does, I feel I can tell her I'm angry and even discipline her without hitting. To further illustrate my point...would you hit your spouse? If your spouse made you mad would you hit them to let them know they "did something wrong?"
Point #2: When a child is tantruming, which they all do, why would you spank them? They are crying and screaming, and by hitting them you think they will stop? In my experience when children are hit they cry and scream louder and it takes longer to calm down. So spank away, but your child wont stop crying. I think its so ironic that a parent who is embarrassed that their child is tantruming in public will spank their child in public. More people will stop and stare at an angry parent spanking their child than they would a child throwing a fit.
Point #3: If a child is hitting another child, how will hitting them teach them that hitting is not ok. This will teach them that they only shouldn't hit when you are watching.
Point #4: For chronic spankers, what happens when your child is too old to spank? Eventually kids grow up and become too big to spank. How do you then discipline them? When they're used to being spanked being grounded will seem like nothing.
Point #5: My favorite "I only spank my child when they are doing something unsafe, like walking towards the street." So the child isn't even doing anything wrong (hitting, fighting, yelling) and you spank them? So instead of teaching your child about safety and keeping themselves safe, you hit them when they are in dangerous situations. And the theory that "the child is to young to understand reason" does not apply. If you think they are old enough to understand why they are being spanked then they are old enough to understand "no."
Point #6: Parenting research has shown over and over again that spanking is not an effective form of discipline. At best it produces short term results, but has never been shown to teach morals or values. Recent research, has found that children who are spanked, whether from "good" parents or "bad" parents produce children who have aggressive behavior and play, lower academic skills, lower interpersonal skills, increased defiance, and more behavioral and emotional problems (perhaps I should be grateful, after all this keeps me in business.) Alarmingly 70-90% of Americans use spanking. I can't help but think, are we as parents that desperate for conformity that our first choice of discipline is hitting a child?

Labels: Just Me, Rant

I have a problem. One of those problems that appears to grow larger and larger the more I think about it, similar to the mess of dirty clothes in my closet. I am constantly closing the closet door to avoid the mess, and yet it is still there every day. I procrastinate doing laundry, and I continue to wear clothes every day, and they just add to mess on the floor. Just like the longer I think about this problem the more it adds to my anxiety.
I hesitate to mention the specifics of this problem or the friend who it involves, so I will continue to speak in annoying metaphors. Lets say I have a good friend. She's amazing. I know something that will greatly impact her life, but will also crush her emotionally. Should I tell her? Readers what do you think? Would you want to know something bad about yourself, or would you rather remain ignorant? Is ignorance bliss? This sounds frighteningly similar to The Matrix...

Labels: Just Me, Rant

I feel I must right a short blog in reference to the end of college football season. For those of you who don't know, my husband is a huge college football fan and I must admit I'm also pretty into it all. I want to formally congratulate Boise State for being another BCS buster and beating Oklahoma (although Utah was a BCS buster before them...) I also want to congratulate Urban Meyer and Florida for a 41-14 win over Ohio State. I want to diss on Michigan, who really thought they should have been playing for the national title, even though they lost to USC in their bowl game. In closing, my biggest diss is on the whole BCS system. Its a load of crap designed to help big conferences stay ahead, and cheat smaller conferences from having the opportunity to win a national championship. I will never understand why a play-off system, similar to college basketball, is not in effect. It would be so much more exciting and give so much more opportunity to the cinderella schools. Only 8 more months to go untill college football starts again...

Labels: Rant